"Yes, I judge!" by Sumar Sleem, The Head of Mission of Domus Orientalis in Lebanon & Syria

The past few days have been quite challenging simply because I am coming to realize to which extent I can judge.

Nowadays, I judge everyone, with no exception. My list is growing longer by the day and my empathy toward everyone has reached its lowest ever.

I judge those who didn’t see it coming and did nothing to embrace the inevitable not out of Faith in God but because they chose to live in denial.

I judge those who are complaining about our tourism season and thinking that all our problems will be solved if we just had more tourists coming during the summer.

I judge those who choose to watch and believe they have the gift of strategically analyzing the situation when their idiotic approach shows how short-sighted they can be.

I judge those who are complaining about having to put up with the consequences because they believe that they shouldn’t have to do anything with the others.

I judge those who are taking advantage of such dark times because they see an opportunity in others’ tragedies.

I judge those who are weeping material losses when so many lost loved ones or maybe an entire family.

I judge those who choose to victimize themselves when they choose to disregard the suffering of others.

I judge those who believe in peace on earth and those who believe in the happy ever after, because I couldn’t find a single paragraph in the Gospel that makes such promises.

I judge those who wear the cross around their necks but refuse to look at it, nonetheless carry it.

I judge those who pray because they are not praying enough and those who are confessing because obviously they are still too blind to see that it’s everyone’s sins including theirs that led us here.

I judge everyone because it’s hard for me to judge myself and because part of me identifies with each one of those I judge.

I painted a good image of myself in my mind that I don’t want to tarnish in my own eyes, I am too old to cope with such a truth.

I believe I am strong enough to go through this hardship and choking with my tears lately doesn’t help at all. I am too young to feel weak and helpless, I just won’t accept it and will rebel against it.

How convenient it is to belong to this gray age as I can bounce between claiming to be too old and too young however I feel like. I allow myself to use it and abuse it any time I feel like and to my own benefit. It’s such an easy solution to avoid facing my own truth.

I know my mind is speaking now to help my heart detach from this awful reality filled with pain. And I know that by the end of this day, I will confess how judgemental I can be. I will not be able to use my ignorance as an excuse because I know the ugly history that led people to become this bitter version of themselves. I will still argue with God about some self-claimed right to judge simply because I will want to hold on to the beast inside me. Loving those I judge will mean I will have to surrender the beast, something I am still not ready to do. I will ask God to let me try to tame it again, we both know I still resist to fully give up to His Love.

May He have mercy on me!